Add this to the list of things that will baffle you about cheaters: A surprising majority of them don't seem very concerned about getting caught, according to a recent poll from extramarital affair site Victoria Milan.
The site surveyed 11,050 of its users about their cheating habits, and the results are pretty alarming. Apparently, on top of being sneaky and deceitful, many cheaters are also—incredibly brazen? Sixty-four percent of them sext the person they're cheating with while their partner is in the room and only 12 percent said they were "very afraid" of getting caught. The rest were either only "somewhat afraid" (75 percent) or "not afraid at all" (13 percent).
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With blasé attitudes like that, it raises the question: Do cheaters want to get caught? Well, first things first: You might balk at the 64 percent of people sexting right under their partners' noses, but Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., love expert and CEO of Love in 90 Days, says that it's not that bold of a move, given how so many of us are constantly connected to our devices anyway. "These days, people are in such a state of divided attention that there's a natural distance even though they are in physical proximity," she says. "It makes for a feeling of safeness and distance."
That said, Kirschner believes that a good majority of cheaters do want to get caught, at least subconsciously—just not for the reasons you might think. It seems straightforward enough: Cheaters who are apathetic about getting caught must be apathetic about their relationships, right? But Kirschner suggests another theory that may surprise you: The cheater may hope that getting caught would actually rejuvenate the relationship. And as crazy as it sounds, she actually sees this play out quite often.
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"After a relationship is hanging in the bounds like that, there can be new levels of appreciation and sexual contact," says Kirschner. Obviously, this isn't how all cheating scenarios play out, and it's not exactly a great relationship model, but Kirschner says some couples do actually come together after an indiscretion. Essentially, she says it sometimes comes down to habituation: You're always around, so your partner gets used to you and takes you for granted, only to realize your value when there's the threat of losing you—a response that would kick in after the cheating was exposed. Cue him rushing to make it up to you—or you rushing to pique his interest again. And finally, "for some people, it is a way to get out of a marriage that they don’t want to be in," says Kirschner. "They simply don’t have the guts to leave. So they subconsciously want to be found out in order to be 'released.'"
However, Kirschner also says that it's important to remember who's taking these polls—not just cheaters, but cheaters who actively and systematically seek out affairs online. This breed of cheater, she says, is different from the cheater who may stumble into affairs without planning. And those people might not be as antsy to get outed as Victoria Milan's thrill-seeking users.
At the end of the day, a lot of what might drive cheaters to flirt with the danger of exposing their affairs is likely subconscious, says Kirschner, and maybe not so worth overanalyzing. Yes, it might be alarming—and okay, depressing and anger-inducing—that only 12 percent of cheaters are super afraid of getting caught cheating by their partners, but on the other hand, that leaves 88 percent of cheaters helping their partners kick them to the curb faster.
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