The Great Emotional Escape
courtesy of Shutterstock As a yoga geek who writes about wellness for a living, I’m well-versed in the “right” things to do for a healthy life. I rattle off advice to friends about nutrition, meditation and relationships, often hedged with the caveat, “but do what feels right for you.” And yet, when I take on too many articles (usually about health or happiness), I start skimping on sleep, real meals and exercise—and I have no idea about what feels right for me.
The irony is rich, I know.
Soon I’m bumping into furniture, losing it with tech support and my inner a cappella band is crooning, “Whatcha Doin’ with Your Life?” (aka “The Loser Song”). Then I have total amnesia about all that might return me to emotional balance. (Yoga? Is that a snack food?) When I let it go long enough, you can find me on the sofa entranced by Gilmore Girls DVDs, surrounded by (dark) chocolate wrappers, crusted cereal bowls (with almond milk), and empty (compostable!) iced-coffee cups, feeling pretty terrible about myself—and terrible about feeling terrible. The yoga gi rl’s lost weekend.
Your version might look different, but we all have our go-to emotional avoidance tricks. You may pick a fight with your partner, or vanish into a Project Runway binge, making it work with a bag of chips. Or you might dive into busyness—e-mailing, studying, volunteering, caretaking—filling up every second of every day with perfectly justified productive activity.
Of course, often when we launch into under- or overdrive it’s because we’re masking something brewing beneath the surface. It’s often unconscious (it’s not like we want to plow through an entire bag of cookies while looking at every photo of an ex on Facebook). But if we ignore what’s really happening in the depths of our emotional beings long enough, it can start wreaking major havoc on our bodies, brains, relationships and overall well-being.
“Getting a handle on your emotions and learning elegant ways to name them, claim them and express them is probably the most important thing you can ever do for your health,” says Christiane Northrup, M.D., an integrative physician in Yarmouth, Maine, and author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (Bantam).
Why? For starters, bottled up emotions tend to manifest physically. Many integrative docs believe deepsixed feelings can cause physical tension that may lead to muscle tissues not getting enough oxygen, causing pain and contributing to everything from back aches to headaches to gastrointestinal distress. Not being able to express how you’re feeling can also lead to excess and prolonged stress, which causes the body to release potentially damaging hormones like cortisol and epinephrine. Insulin levels may also rise, causing swings in blood sugar levels, which can drive you to overeat or perhaps even drink heavily—temporarily making you feel better. All of this creates an imperfect inner storm.
“A vici ous cycle ensues. You gain weight, increase your chances of developing high blood pressure, and your insulin, cortisol and epinephrine levels skyrocket. Over an extended period of time this leads to cellular inflammation, which is the root cause of all chronic degenerative disease—diabetes, cancer, heart disease, arthritis, that kind of thing,” Northrup says.
It’s enough to make you reach for the Ben & Jerry’s.
But there’s hope beyond the frozen dairy aisle. Experts have honed simple and effective ways to help you cozy up to your emotions—whether good or bad—and agree that the practice can have transformative effects on your health and happiness.
BECOMING AN EMOTIONAL PLUMBER Janna Fikkan, Ph.D., a health psychologist at Duke Integrative Medicine in Durhan, N.C., trains patients in mindfulness, an approach born from Buddhist meditation that increases awareness of feelings, thought patterns an d physical sensations. “A lot of people don’t necessarily associate muscle tension or headaches with emotions,” she says. But everyone has a “signature” for responding to feelings—a kind of personal psycho-emotional vocabulary that manifests in the form of thoughts, aches, pains or other responses.
Fikkan guides patients through a visualization exercise to uncover how their bodies and minds react to emotions, working with the major feeling categories, such as joy, anger, fear and sadness. With anger, for example, she’ll ask patients to imagine themselves stuck in traffic. The first sign of frustration might be the thought, Why does this always happen to me?, followed by a clenching of the jaw and a flush of the cheeks. The idea is that once we identify the signs of an emotion, we can acknowledge it and work through it in a healthy way. At one point in doing this work, Fikkan thought it would be useful if people had the equivalent of a check-engine light to signal when it’s time for an emotional check-in. “A little signal, like, ‘Dink!’” she says. And immediately she noticed her left eye was twitching, a tic she only experiences when she needs rest. Dink!
Kimberly Perez, 35, a postpartum nurse who lives in Boulder, Colo., recognizes her “Dink!” signals well. When she notices that her mind is scattered and she can’t focus on anything, she knows it’s time to take a moment to attend to her emotional life. Usually she’ll have some tea, take a nap, or call an old friend. Her emotional backlog is soon cleared, and she’s back on track.
If you’re looking for your own check-engine light and ways to stay in touch with your emotions before any gaskets blow (the automotive metaphors stop here, I promise), read on. Here, experts share their best tips to keep your emotional pipes clear.
NAME THAT FEELING &ldq uo;A lot of times we are so disconnected we don’t even know how to identify how we feel,” says Eve Wood, M.D., medical director of the Eating Disorder Center in Denver, Colo., and author of 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life (Hay House). Though it sounds incredibly basic, she says it helps to read a list of feelings and choose the ones that most resonate. Studies show that when we can name our feelings, the brain actually calms down. So when you’re asked a sincere, “How are you?” and come up blank, take a peek at a list of feelings (check out more than 100 of them in one handy list on naturalhealthmag.com/emotionalhealth), or even just ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” and pick from one of the major categories experts have used for years: sad, mad, glad or scared.
CLUE IN FROM THE START If you bring some awareness to your physical and emotional self first thing in the morning, it’ll help you be more attuned all day, says Northrup. “So bask in the comfort of your bed, notice the way your sheets and pillow feel and just take a moment to bring in well-being,” she says. Take this a step further by setting an intention of mindfulness throughout the day, so that you’re able to recognize emotions as they arise rather than pushing them away.
RIDE THE WAVE BRFWA: It’s a playful acronym and helpful technique Stephen Cope, author of The Wisdom of Yoga (Bantam) and director of the Kripalu Institute for Extraordinary Living in Stockbridge, Mass., came up with. Start by sitting somewhere quiet—this can take 30 seconds or an hour, depending on the intensity of your feelings. First you Breathe, bringing in oxygen and prana (life force energy) to calm your mind and body. Let’s say some sadness bubbles up. Instead of moving away from that feeling, Relax, actively chilling out to stay present. As you Fee l into your sensation, notice the subtle layers—under your sadness might be anger, beneath that hurt, and so on. Tears may come. Let them. Watch from the perspective of a witness. And finally, Allow those feelings to be there and trust—that all is as it should be, that this too shall pass.
EAT MINDFULLY One of the problems of being emotionally out of touch is that we often stuff our faces instead of facing our emotions, starting a cycle of feeling even worse than when we started and eating even more as a result. Food is a classic way to literally block feelings from surfacing in the body—and usually when we’re eating from emotional hunger rather than physical hunger, the go-to foods are simple carbs and sugary treats. Though these may momentarily stem the tide, we all know how that story ends. So when you feel like hell and have the urge to pound Ho Hos, take a moment to express gratitude for what you’re about to eat. Thi s seemingly small act of being conscious and appreciative “affects our nutritional balance and our sense of well-being,” Wood says. She even suggests placing a food you might be ashamed to be eating in a nice dish. Honor the experience. Then you’ll be able to slow down the urgent, unconscious thing you’re doing.
KNEAD YOURSELF Massage therapists who see clients burst into tears when they press on a sore spot know this well: Our issues are in our tissues. Thoughts trigger emotions, and emotions trigger the body to either contract or expand, says Denise La Barre, L.M.T., a massage therapist in Maui, Hawaii, and author of Issues in Your Tissues (Healing Catalyst Press). When we repeatedly contract our muscles without releasing them, they accumulate unexpressed emotional energy. This muscular solidity can become an unconscious barrier between you and the world. One way to explore your body’s pent-up feelings is by ma ssaging anywhere you can reach until you come across a sore spot. Then take a breath and bring your attention inward. Gently press into the discomfort and ask, “What are you trying to tell me? What’s going on?” If you continue to press, rub and breathe, you might cry, sigh, twitch or giggle. That’s just the body releasing, says La Barre. Though every body is different, some areas are common storage for certain feelings. For example, a spot for releasing resentment is the little bony knob where your arm bone meets your clavicle (aka the trochanter of the humerus, for anatomy geeks). Press around it and just below it into the soft muscle of the chest. Breathe and switch sides.
WALK ON Though research galore is revealing that meditation works wonders for emotional regulation and personal peace, many people find plopping on a cushion for any amount of time about as possible as flying. If that’s you, walking meditation might b e the answer. Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness (Wisdom Publications), offers two ways to do it. One is simply syncing your steps to your breath: Inhale and take a step, then exhale and take another step. “You can do this in public without attracting very much attention to yourself,” says Kozak. Or, you can slow it down for a truly meditative walk—on the beach, in the woods—breathing and allowing your mind to slow way down. Walking can also be your daily cue to be mindful. Every time you have a little jaunt—from the car to the market, for example—take that time to breathe and observe how you feel and what’s around you. “When you notice that your mind is all of a sudden telling stories about the future or the past, just focus on the present,” Kozak says. “Bring the focus back into your body and what’s happening now.”
BEND OVER BACKWARD (AND FORWARD) “If we’re paying attention to our breathing and to sensation in the body as we practice, yoga becomes a portal into what we are truly feeling,” says Amy Weintraub, founding director of the LifeForce Yoga Healing Institute and author of Yoga for Depression (Broadway). “The practice allows us to witness what’s arising in the body-mind, so we’re able to respond to life’s challenges without reacting to them.” Though any pose done with awareness will allow emotions to bubble up, Weintraub suggests forward bends to calm and backbends to perk up the nervous system. Try Uttanasana (or Forward Fold): Stand with your feet hip-width apart, extend your spine by reaching your head toward the sky, hinge at your hips and reach toward the floor. Take slow deep breaths as you hang there, keeping your knees slightly bent (this is particularly important if you have back pain issues). For backbends, try poses like Bridge or Cobra. Or, you can even simply lie down and place a bolster (or rolled-up Mexican blanket) under your back, behind your chest. Breathe into your belly and let yourself sink into whatever emotions come up.
PROCESS IN PRINT You’ve heard it before— writing down what you’re going through is a great way to sort through your emotions. You may even know about the studies showing how journaling can increase your well-being and strengthen your immune system. But how many half-filled notebooks and journals are stuffed away in your nightstand? Yep, me too. Sandy Grason, author of Journalution (New World Library), suggests ditching any non-journaling guilt you might be holding onto. When you’re going through a rough time and feel inclined to write, do it, she says. And then when you get busy, your social life picks up and you don’t have time to write, that’s OK too. If you often find the blank page daunting, try one of Grason’s juicy writing cues. Starting with the phrase, “I don’t want to write about … ” is one of her favorites. “What comes up is often what you’re avoiding and where your subconscious needs you to go,” she says. “I have found that if you let yourself write the scary things, they become a lot less scary. They’re much scarier when you’re carrying them around in your body.”
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE Sometimes being emotionally savvy means not only being in touch with feelings but eventually also knowing how to shift them— especially when they seem to be stuck in the bummer category. One über-simple way is by smiling. As Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, is reported to have said: “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, or sometimes a smile can be the source of your joy.” Scientists agree—smiling h as been shown to relieve stress and enhance immunity. Weintraub does a “smile breath” whenever she needs an energy shift. “I begin by closing my eyes and breathing deeply into the bottom of the lungs,” she says. “Next, I drop my chin to my chest as I exhale. Then I lift the corners of my mouth, lift my head, inhale and open my eyes. It’s a five-second lightening-up mood elevator.”
HUG A TREE Nature reminds us that we’re part of a larger whole, and can help us slow down and get in touch with our inner workings. Though it sounds as crunchy as it gets, Valerie Lane Simonsen, N.D., says one of her patients hugs a tree whenever she has an anxiety attack and it immediately calms her down. If you’re too shy for a full embrace, Simonsen says even leaning against a tree will help you relax and reconnect with yourself. Just sink in for a few minutes and let the tree support you.
EMBRACE THE BU MPS When a negative feeling comes up, it’s natural to automatically retract from it—in the form of denial, distraction or repression. But resisting this instinct is key to staying emotionally in touch. Cope says feeling is a lot like skiing. “You intuitively want to go down on your butt,” he says. “But what the instructor is telling you is go into the hill, allow yourself to go down.” Most of our emotional problems arise from resisting what is—trying to go downhill by leaning backward. “The same is true for difficult feelings,” he says. “Just remember the ski slope and lean into it.” Though leaning into these often uncomfortable emotions might seem like extra maintenance or an optional luxury, it’s essential—for you and for your ability to be present with everyone in your life. It’s also not that hard once it becomes a healthy habit. Think of it as flossing—for feelings. And yo u can restart at any time. When I return to Earth after a Gilmore Girls binge, I often have an “Uh-oh” moment of awareness. So I collect those compostable coffee cups and tidy up. Then I do some stretching and breathing. I might even bust out the journal. I call a good friend and confess to falling down the rabbit hole. I sniff lavender oil, take a shower and listen to some happy tunes. Soon I start feeling like a non-demented, non-pajamawearer and it comes to me. Whatever “it” is—a realization that I need to apologize to someone or get more structure in my day or just really cry. This is huge. Irony dissolves, and I write another story about health or happiness—while actually feeling healthy and happy.
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