Not to brag (okay, kind of), but I used to have a sick wardrobe. Before I married my husband Chris, I had a new outfit for every occasion—weddings, parties, date nights. I even bought hot new underwear on the regular.
Sometimes, I’d really splash out: I once blew half a paycheck on a new dress so that I could look cute for a special date he had planned. (I still wear the dress, so I can justify it to myself.) It wasn’t a Confessions of a Shopaholic-type situation—I didn’t even have a credit card at the time. I’d just eat ramen noodles for a week or ditch my coffeehouse habit for a while to make up the difference. It was totally worth it.
Now…not so much. I rotate through the same dresses for weddings and pull something from my closet for date nights. I buy new skivvies about once a year because my old ones get holes in them. I still go shopping now and then, but my last big purchase was a new pair of jeans a few months ago because my go-to’s were shot. My pre-marriage self would be horrified.
Why the change? My accountant husband knows what I spend and, unfortunately, he’s not about to go all ramen because mama wants a new winter wardrobe. Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong: Chris has never said I can’t buy something. But we have to discuss purchases more than $100 with each other beforehand—a rule I stupidly insisted on when we first got married—which is such a buzzkill. Part of the fun of shopping is grabbing that hot new dress that’s on sale and going for it, not waiting for a response to your text about whether it’s logical to spend $250 on an impromptu spree (even though it’s half off!). Somehow, the rationale works in my head—but when I write it down…not so much.
That’s why I used to, uh, shop on the DL. I’d hoard cash, buy what I wanted, and Chris wouldn’t even notice my new outfit until I’d worn it a few times. And then I could say, “Oh, I’ve had this!” which technically wasn’t lying.
My little scheme worked for ages until last year, when we decided to finally get a joint checking account. Now all of my purchases pop up in front of Chris’s face when he checks our statement, which makes loading up on new sweaters under the radar a wee bit more difficult. Hence, my closet has suffered.
Curious to see what other married couples do, I pumped my friend Becky—who always looks amazing—for info. “I’m totally held accountable for what I buy, but I started buying stuff for my husband to wear, too,” she said. Wait, what?!
She said she figures he won’t mind that she went shopping as much if she gets something for him, as well. And apparently it actually works!
Even though her tactic is freaking genius, I still think that it’s kind of annoying to have to account for what you spend after years of answering to no one. I get it—that’s what marriage is, and Chris would be taking up permanent residence on the couch if he ever went on a spree without telling me—but it’s still frustrating sometimes.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., this is all totally normal: “A woman should plan on just about everything changing after marriage, and money and shopping are included.”
Unfortunately, she says the genius tactics that I’ve used and am considering are just asking for trouble—and if I find that our shopping status quo feels off, I just need to sit down with Chris. I’m not there yet, but I’ll keep that on the back burner just in case. Even though it’s annoying, she says it’s crucial to be 100 percent honest and upfront about what I’m spending and not try to slip in things under the radar or bribe Chris with a little something.
Since Chris is a little tough to shop for anyway, I started taking a karmic approach to spending. He doesn’t shop often, but every once in a while he’ll want something like a new TV or a massage. And that’s when I’m all like, “DO IT!!!” I figure if I’m cool about purchases he wants, the universe will bring those good shopping vibes back my way…preferably with a buy one, get one free coupon.
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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little one-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.
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