Ah, the holidays! They’re the perfect time for food, family, and a barrage of questions about why you don’t have a kid yet.
You know what I’m talking about. If you’re a woman who is in her baby-making prime, it’s practically mandatory this time of year for family and friends to quiz you on your procreation plans—whether you’re in a relationship or not. Even your grandmother is all like, “Just started dating someone? That’s cool! You should have a baby with him!!!”
Been there, done that. From the time I graduated college to when I was obviously pregnant, I was like a (fertile) deer in headlights every time the holidays rolled around. And as soon as I had my son, I started getting grilled on when I’ll have another one. It. Never. Ends. What’s up with that?
“Women historically have had children as a statement of womanhood and purpose,” explains licensed psychotherapist Lanada Williams. As a result, people—especially from older generations—fully expect that you’ll start popping out babies as soon as you’re able. When you don’t, they’re seriously confused.
Well, that seems crazy antiquated! Lost on how to respond to the inevitable baby question this holiday season? If the asker doesn't have kids, Williams says you can toss the question back and ask when he or she plans to start popping them out. It isn't so fun on that side of the question, is it, buddy?
Here are a few more fun responses to throw out at your holiday parties—whether you actually plan to have a kid someday or not.
1. “Can you explain to me how babies are made again?” I mean, really. Your Aunt Sally is basically asking you about when you’re going to have crazy hot unprotected sex—repeatedly. A vivid description of how it should go down, recommended positions, and stick figures are a completely legit request.
2. “When my student loans are paid off” Read: Probably not ‘til you’re 80. Nothing brings out the generosity of family like the threat of no more babies. Make it rain, grandpa!
3. “Definitely never” The shock value tactic is always fun to whip out right around the time that the family holiday party gets so boring you’ve started counting the hairs on your great-aunt’s chin.
5. “Oh, I don’t know. Tomorrow!” When in doubt, confuse the crap out of them. Wait—is she pregnant? Really naive? Kind of dumb? Who cares! You’ve already moved on to the sausage puffs.
6. “I love partying waaay too much to give that up” No one can argue with that! Also, this is when you’ll get a ridiculous amount of offers for future babysitters. (Family members really, really want you to have babies.) If you actually plan to have kids one day, TAKE THEM. Then do a shot, just because you can.
7. “Oh, look, grandma’s dentures fell out again!” Caught off-guard? Divert, divert, divert—then run like hell for the kids’ table. They’re too preoccupied with Santa’s impending arrival to worry about your ovaries.
9. “Clearly, I need to lay off the cookies!” It’s the perfect way to point out how lame the question is while subtly playing the victim. Plus, you’ll immediately get loads of compliments about how great you look. Win-win.
10. “Sometime in the next 60 years” Technically that still leaves the window open, so your mom won’t have a heart attack on the spot.
More from Women's Health:
This Is What Happens When You Give Birth on a Plane
8 Celebs Who Posed Nude While Pregnant—And Looked Gorgeous Doing It
14 Times Celebs Got Really Real in 2014
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