Breaking up is hard to do—and according to a new Gallup poll, women bear the brunt of the negative side effects. The results (drawn from phone interviews with a random sample of 131,159 American adults) found that divorced or separated women had lower levels of wellbeing and higher stress than their male counterparts.
Just check out these sobering stats: 56 percent of separated women and 47 percent of divorcees reported that they'd experienced stress the prior day, compared to 45 percent of separated men and 40 percent of divorced men. These women were also more likely than the other groups to rely on drugs like prescription medications to relax. Nearly a third of women whose marriages had dissolved reported almost daily substance use, versus a quarter of unhitched men.
Why are women hit harder post-split? Experts say that finances can play a major role. If these women stepped back career-wise to raise children, they may have less money now they did when they were married, says San Diego-based divorce coach and mediator Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce. The pressure of being strapped for cash adds another layer of worry to an already painful situation.
"In addition, if they have been the primary child caregiver, they might have no outside job or only part-time employment, so they often have to find a new job," says Ahrons. "Women in their mid-life may have to resume careers after years of not being employed—and as the data show, women receive less money than men do for these same jobs." Not only are the newly single hunting for work faced with the enormous obstacle of having been out of the job market for a stretch, but once they do land a position, chances are they'll be pulling in a smaller salary than their ex husband. At the same time, Ahrons points out that women often have more responsibility for the children than their exes do, which takes a bite out of their paycheck and may limit how much they can work.
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Then there's the emotional factor. "Men remarry more quickly and at a much higher rate than women," says Ahrons. "They are also more likely to have another relationship at the time of separation—which means that their exes have less emotional and financial support." Essentially, she finds it's not uncommon for women to still be emotionally reeling when their exes have started dating again.
To counteract these effects, Ahrons suggests looking into support groups after your divorce. It may seem like it's not your thing or that you can't possibly relate to someone else's situation, but you might be surprised at how helpful they can be. Not only can you assist one another on a practical level, but you'll also be able to provide psychological backup—acting as a sounding board or providing a shoulder to cry on. Check out MeetUp to find a nearby group for divorced women, or meet others who are going through a similar situation via an online support forum, like First Wives World.
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But most importantly, you can start protecting yourself from the effects of a breakup before it even happens. Sure, no one wants to think about splitting up when you're in the throes of blissed-out coupledom, but it might be wise to think about the possibility if only from a financial perspective.
"Women need to think during marriage about the financial pitfalls she may face in the event of a breakup," says Ahrons. Should you and your husband separate, what would your fiscal future look like? If you're not working, consider dipping a toe back into the job market now or ramping up your networking so that you won't be potentially left adrift. Obviously, these are things that will be helpful regardless of the fate of your relationship.
Finally, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend or therapist when your relationship is in trouble. It might be the last thing you want to do (because who wants to admit that things aren't working or divulge painful information to a friend?), but it can help you feel less alone and gain some perspective that may be able to buffer you against this post-divorce gender gap.
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