Motherhood is like a little club—once you’re in it, you get it. While it’s mostly full of cuddles and laughter, side effects include some totally weird habits that you never would have entertained before having a kid. Here are the things that moms think are normal…and everyone else thinks are just plain weird.
You Sniff Tushes
Fighting it is futile: The old pick-up-and-smell diaper inspection is practically a parental rite of passage. After a while, you can do it mid-conversation without pausing. Because…skills.
You Think Weird Food Issues Are Normal
If the sauce and pasta touch each other on your kid’s plate, the universe might actually implode. Everyone knows that.
You Pick Noses
Hey, goobers don’t get rid of themselves, and you will be judged by other parents based solely on the state of your kid’s schnoz. It’s also, um, ridiculously satisfying.
You Check for Breathing
You creep into your child’s room after bedtime to make sure he’s still alive, then hover and stare until you see some kind of movement. (Was that a breath? IT WAS!!!) You definitely plan to be doing this until he goes to college.
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You Carry a Mini-Grocery Store With You At All Times
Crackers? Check. Fruit? Check. Peanut butter sandwich cut into shapes reminiscent of the work of Henri Matisse? You know it!
You Rock Out to Cheeseball Music
Pre-parenthood, you swore you’d only play cool music for your kid—a good mix of Phoenix and Mazzy Star with a little Pearl Jam thrown in. Now you’re all like, "’The Wheels On the Bus’? That’s my jam!"
You Obsess Over No. 2
You track poop with the painstaking precision of a corporate accountant. You may even keep a poop chart at some point. Too much poop? You’ve got a problem. Too little poop? You’ve got another problem…and a baby enema in your future.
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You’re Never Without Wipes
About two hours into motherhood, you realize that wipes have more range than Mariah Carey. That’s why you use them for everything from napkins to hair ties to makeup remover. Leave the house without them? Hahaha. Don’t even joke about that.
You Sneak Food
Your little shadow will have what you’re having, thank you very much—even if it’s your special $5 cookies that you can only buy at a gourmet store. And since “BACK OFF” might not go over well…munching on them in the pantry closet it is!
You Start Talking to Yourself
On the rare occasion that you go out in public sans child, you still catch yourself doing the usual narration. Unfortunately, saying, “Okay, let’s pay now…” at the store without your pint-sized accessory puts you in crazy cat lady territory as far as the rest of the world is concerned.
You Don’t Use Tissues
…At least, as much as you should. Of course, you always have wipes (please), but your hand is so much more convenient.
You Bust Out Animal Noises On the Regular
A few rounds of "Old McDonald" can cure pretty much anything—especially when you belt it out in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Hand gestures are required too, obviously.
Bodily Fluids No Longer Faze You
Remember when you used to wash your whole duvet after a little baby vomit landed on it? Yeah…what was that like again?
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