In every relationship there's bound to be a few nights where someone just isn't in the mood, but who's keeping score? One man apparently was, and he took sex tracking to new heights when he emailed his wife a spreadsheet detailing when and why she turned him down for sex over a seven-week period. Incensed at his offensive use of Excel (who wouldn't be?), she posted the document on Reddit, and it went viral.
The post has since been removed, but a screenshot from E! News will still make you face palm. Some of the reasons for rejection may have seemed silly (like watching a Friends re-run or feeling gross), but they're definitely relatable (for men and women). And regardless, it's disrespectful to shame your partner for not wanting sex at a certain time.
Obviously, this guy's approach is not the best way to address the lack of sex in a relationship. That said, it's a very real problem for many couples and it can definitely be hard to talk about. But instead of resorting to offensive charts, here are four better ways to bring up this touchy subject and get your sex life back on track:
Discuss Your "Sexpectations"
Mismatched libidos happen, so communication is crucial. "Couples need to check in with each other to decide on the optimal frequency of sex they'd like to be having," says sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D. And just because you both were down for a few times a week in the beginning of the relationship, that doesn't mean you'll always stick with that quota.
It can change at different times of your life depending on a variety of outside factors—like work complications, kids, health issues, etc.—so try to touch base every once in a while to make sure you're on the same page. If your expectations are vastly different, then you may need a little more discussion—possibly with a sex therapist or relationship counselor—to strike a satisfying balance.
MORE: 13 Signs You Need to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Schedule Time Together
For some couples, the problem may just be a matter of logistics—if you're both super busy, you're going to have sex less, and that can make you fall into an unfortunate routine. Make sure to schedule a time to reconnect with your partner, whether it's a date night or something more intimate, and then see what happens spontaneously in the moment. You might get busy, or you might not, but at least you're putting that energy in. And planning sexy time doesn't have to be unsexy, Fleming points out. "You plan a vacation and you don't enjoy it any less." She has a point there.
MORE: 8 Ways to Make Sex More Fun
Make Sex a Priority
Don't let sex become that thing you do if you happen to have some time left at the end of a long day. "When people are feeling overwhelmed or running on empty, sex is the last thing on their minds," says Fleming, so you have to make it a priority in order to conserve energy for sex. Kinda like how you'd get a good night's sleep before a big meeting, you can also rest up on the days you plan to spend quality time together. Plus, research shows that women who ranked sex as important were more likely to stay sexually active over time.
Look for Novelty
It's not you, it's the relationship. "All couples can fall into a sexual rut," Fleming explains. So always remember the rule of novelty. Add something new like a sex toy, a different position, or a different location. It'll combat the monotony in the bedroom that can make sex seem routine in the first place.
MORE: Best. Sex. EVER. 27 Women Share Their Steamiest Tips
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