The next time you're in the doghouse because you wronged a friend or partner, don't just toss out a standard "I'm sorry" and wait for things to smooth over. A new study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that the more genuine the peacemaking gestures you offer, the more likely you'll be forgiven (makes sense). It's all part of our need to resolve conflict and maintain relationships after a fight or transgression, something humans appear to be hard-wired to do, say researchers.
"Many group-living vertebrates, but particularly mammals, seem to use 'conciliatory gestures' as signals of their desire to end conflict and restore cooperative relationships with other individuals after aggressive conflict has occurred," the lead study author said in a press release.
That's all good and well—but also a little obvious (of course you'd make a conciliatory gesture if you want someone to forgive you). Want more of the nitty-gritty on the right way to apologize? Here's how you can work to repair your relationship and move past pain and anger.
Do it in person or on the phone. "A face-to-face or voice apology allows the other person to sense how truly sorry you really are, and that can help repair things quickly," says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist who specializes in relationships. Since it's hard to read the emotion in e-mails and texts, people are more likely to assume they're not genuine.
Cop to what you did wrong. "Stating the offense plainly and directly shows the other person that you really do recognize your hurtful move," says Thomas. Try saying something like, "I'm sorry I snapped at you" or "I apologize for not picking you up when I said I would." By the same token, you shouldn't pass the buck or try to excuse yourself—that implies you're not taking responsibility for your actions. "When we do something wrong, we often feel shame and embarrassment, and that can lead us to over-explain or try to excuse our behavior," says Thomas. "But an effective apology is about owning up to what happened, not pointing blame on some other factor."
Say how you feel about your transgression. "I feel terrible about forgetting we had plans" or "I'm so upset with myself for how I treated you" conveys to the other person that you're not simply apologizing because he or she is upset—your blunder has affected you too, says Thomas.
Offer to make amends. Forget the flower bouquet or box of chocolate. Instead, offer a makeup gesture that's related to what you did wrong. "Can I help you with your presentation now?" or "I want to make it up to you by replacing the skirt I ruined with a new one" is a good way of showing that you realize how you screwed up—and that you want to be the one to fix it.
Give them space. Once you've apologized correctly and offered to make it up to your friend or loved one, it's important to give the hurt party time to mull it over and accept, says Thomas. Seriously, another string of weepy please-forgive-me voicemails is overkill.
More From Women’s Health:
10 Things You Should Never, Ever Apologize For
The Bad Habit 77 Percent of Women Need to Break
10 Maya Angelou Quotes That'll Make You Love Life and Get Sh*t Done
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