The winter Olympics are an epic event, if by "epic" you mean "a series of obscure hobbies, survival strategies, and military exercises that Northern Europeans turned into competitive sports."
But what would it be like if Americans got to create our own winter sports, instead of trying to catch up to the Austrians, Swedes, and Norwegians who invented them?
1. Ice dodgeball
Figure skating is a beautiful sport, which is why every four years we try to remember the difference between edge jumps like the Salchow and Axel and toe jumps like the triple Lutz.
Now imagine if Olympic skating was based on rules we all learned in third grade. I'm thinking dodgeball. Imagine Nancy Kerrigan squaring off against Tonya Harding. Winner gets the gold. Loser goes home with a broken nose.
2. Snowboard derby
As a kid I spent countless hours watching roller derby on Saturday mornings. Not because I understood the sport (I'm still not sure what the object was), but to see attractive women throw elbows at each other on roller skates.
Today many of the most beautiful winter Olympians are on snowboards. So how about if we combine the babe-magnet sport of my youth with the babe-magnet sport of your youth, and have them throw elbows while trying to pass each other going downhill?
I have no idea what the rules would be, but apparently someone else did, and calls one version of it Boardercross.
3. Nordic paintball
You know that biathlon is a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting. Its original name was "military patrol," which is how it started in Norway in the 19th century: as a form of national defense.
Which explains why no American has ever medaled in biathlon. Our national defense can be summed up in five words: "Go ahead, make my day." If an invading army wants to ski across our borders, I'm sure our military could spare a few drones to neutralize the threat. As soon as they stopped laughing.
But Americans would absolutely love biathlon with one simple twist: Let the athletes shoot each other. With paint. (Or maybe rock salt.)
4. Power curling
Did you know that the biceps curl was once part of powerlifting? It was one of many "odd lifts" that were occasionally contested by strength athletes, either in addition to or instead of Olympic weightlifting. In fact, it was one of the original three powerlifts in the U.K., along with the bench press and squat, before it was replaced with the deadlift.
What does that have to do with the sport called curling? Nothing. I just think it's interesting. Conversely, I struggle to engage with curling at all.
But with a couple of simple tweaks, curling (the sport) could be a lot more interesting to those who are into curling (the exercise).
Imagine if, instead of carefully sliding the stones 100 feet, with tactics and counter-tactics that mostly make sense to Canadians and broom aficionados, we trained powerlifters to throw the stones for distance? Or maybe distance + velocity. Or how about distance + velocity + accuracy + a time limit? (Americans love a ticking clock!)
Now that's a sport!
5. Luge jumping
This one, I think, is as simple as it gets: The athlete goes feet-first as fast as he can down a ramp, catches air, and lands. Whoever flies farthest wins.
6. Demolition bobsled
We end with one inspired by the purest of all sports created by Americans, for Americans. Pushers shove their bobsleds into other bobsleds as hard as they can and as often as they can. The gold medal goes to whichever bobsled remains after all the others are in splinters
I'd watch that. Wouldn't you?
Lou Schuler, C.S.C.S., is an award-winning journalist and the coauthor (with Alwyn Cosgrove) of The New Rules of Lifting Supercharged.
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