"You're so lucky!" That's the first thing I usually hear when people learn that my husband, Chris, is a chef. They've seen Top Chef and No Reservations. In their minds, Chris whips up different gourmet meals every night at home while I kick back with a glass of wine.
Hahaha. I wish. The reality is so, so different. Yes, I'm lucky—I'm married to a really great guy. But his job is a major thorn in our relationship. Sure, Chris whips up gourmet meals every night, but it's for strangers, not his family. I do all of the cooking at home. On the night or two a week that he's home for dinner, we usually get takeout or eat out because he’s too wiped to cook. We rarely see each other, let alone eat meals together. But we make it work—we've had years of practice.
Chris and I met when we were in our early twenties while I was getting my master's degree. I was waiting tables on the side so that I could still afford to eat and ended up falling for the restaurant's cute, quiet chef. Since I had a student/waitress's schedule, we'd meet up at 10 p.m. to hang out at a bar or shoot pool, crash around 2 a.m., sleep in, and then do it all over again. It. Was. Awesome. But I eventually got a "normal" job and our hours no longer matched up. I stopped meeting Chris when he got done with his shift, because going to work on two hours of sleep...kinda sucks.
Despite the crazy, opposite schedules, we stayed together and eventually got married. But being married to a chef comes with its unique set of challenges.
Chris is off once or twice a week, but that includes one weekday when I have to work. All other days, I see him for a bit before work and that's it since the restaurant usually closes at 10 p.m., and he rarely makes it home before I go to bed. Chris has even started saying, "I'll see you tomorrow!" when I leave the house at 8:30 a.m. I'd be lying if I didn't say that makes my heart hurt a little.
We almost never do "normal couple" things, like going to parties together—Chris is rarely off on Fridays or Saturdays, when people outside his industry hang out. Holidays are usually his busiest times, too, so I've spent many a New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, and Valentine's Day with girlfriends or just on my own.
My schedule—and my life—revolves around his work, and I don't make any plans when I know that he'll be off. There have been times when Chris will learn at the last second that his only day off for the week is the day that I have plans with friends. It puts me in the bad position of having to choose between bailing on friends so that I can actually see him or missing my one chance to see him and spending time with friends. (My friends are saints.)
I've been doing it so long that it's normal to me now, but it wasn't always that way. I used to get upset at least once a month, right around the time that Chris was wrapping up a long series of workdays. No doubt having a weepy wife when he was coming off a 10-day, 12 hour-a-day stretch was super-fun for him. I even freaked out at one point and seriously considered ending things. Was this really the life that I wanted? I have a partner that I basically never see. In what planet is this okay?
Chris once had a boss who told him that chefs aren't made for marriage, and I've seen other couples struggle with it firsthand. I used to have a group of girlfriends who were married to chefs, too. We jokingly called ourselves the "hospitality widows" and would meet up on Saturday nights while our husbands were (obviously) working. It rocked to have buddies that understood where I was coming from, and was like a mini-support group for all of us. But of that group, I'm the only one who's still married.
Until recently, we lived in New York City, where Chris's schedule was insane—like, I'd ride the subway to work with him on weekend days, just so I could see him. We eventually had a baby, decided our lifestyle was a bit intense for a little one, and moved out of the city to try to have a less-crazy life. I was curious to know how things were for other chef's wives in our new town, so when I met Lisa, whose husband works with Chris, I pumped her for information. And it turns out, being married to a chef is the same, no matter where you live.
"For the most part, I feel like a single mom," she says. "It's more than a loneliness; it's like a feeling of aloneness. Most of the time, you're not with your spouse, the person you want to share everything with. I go to a party, and everyone's there with their spouse except me."
Like me, she's had her share of frustration with her husband's job. "It's just...it's hard," she says. "You can only take so much. You understand exactly what the problem is, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. It's a tough life."
That's the thing: To be married to a chef—and to stay married to a chef—you have to be understanding. Otherwise, it's just not going to work. And I'd imagine it's similar being married to people with other seriously demanding jobs.
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I recently spoke with psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., about the struggle to remain understanding. Because, trust me, when you're up all night with a sick, cranky toddler and don't have backup until 1 or 2 a.m., it gets a little hard. She points out that it's important to accept that the reality of the situation isn't going to change—Chris will always work long, late hours, and he can't always be there when I want him to be. Accepting and reminding myself of that will help us continue to get closer; fighting it will just cause tension in our relationship.
She also says that it's okay that we don't spend most of our time together, provided we put in the effort when we're actually able to meet up. "If you work together to make the time you have meaningful, you can have a great marriage," she says.
The reality is, I do have a great marriage. Chris is fully aware that his schedule sucks, and he thanks me all of the time for putting up with it. If he didn't, it would be so much harder. Plus, he can chop an onion in like, 1.5 seconds, which really comes in handy around the house.
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While it's a challenging lifestyle, I know that sometimes I just need to get my head out of my ass and go with it. Whenever I need a reality check, I think of my friend Julie. Her husband is in the military and has been stationed abroad more than once for a year at a time while she stays back home. I can't even begin to think of how hard that would be. But while I know other people have it much harder than me, I still selfishly want more time with my husband.
In a perfect world, Chris would be home every night. We'd cook dinner together and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine after our son goes to bed. We'd even do the boring stuff, like fold laundry and hit up the grocery store together. But having that would mean he’d have to give up a career that he loves, and I can't ask him to do that.
Is being married to a chef glamorous? Not in the slightest. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little one-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.
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