If there's anything being single for the past three years has taught me, it's that I'd rather be happy by myself then unhappy in a relationship. Maybe it's because my parents' almost-30-year marriage is a beautiful example of what I think a great couple is, or maybe it's because my friends have managed to date really amazing guys. But when it comes to love, whomever I end up with better be the bomb-diggity—or I'll pass.
That being said—if you ask anyone who knows me pretty well, they'd say that I was pretty picky.
I've never dated a guy shorter than six feet tall before (I'm 5'4"—or 5'7" in the heels I love to wear). I refuse to date anyone who isn't gainfully employed or doesn't live outside of his family home. I have to be physically attracted to them. I'd prefer if he had hair, and he should have a rockin', outgoing, awesome personality—and not be too shy or too loud. I'd like someone who challenges me but has a kind-hearted spirit at his core.
I realize that I'm asking for a tall order here—but I also think I'm worth it. And that whoever this guy is will be worth the wait. I'd rather hold out for the right person than waste time in dead-end relationships that won't make me happy.
But not everyone agrees with me—like one of my married friends.
A few weekends ago, the two of us had dinner with a group of my single girlfriends, and we got into a fight. (A pretty bad one—we're still not talking.) We both said some pretty hurtful things, but the gist of what she was trying to tell me is that I should "just settle down already" and that there isn't this "magical 'The One' out there"—that plenty of guys would be "just fine" and the relationship would work. And that the longer I'm single—the happier and more independent I become by being alone—the less likely it will be for me to meet someone.
And that if I don't lower my high standards, I'll be writing about dating at 54 and wonder what happened to the marriage and children that I wanted to have. (She also thinks your marriage license expires post-30—which is ludicrous—so let's not even go there.)
Was it difficult to hear what she really thought about me, my blog, and my personal choices regarding dating, sex, and love? Absolutely. While I do think she was out of line and off-base (she's never really dated, so how could she know how insanely hard it is?), her comments did make me question whether or not being this selective is hurting me.
So what's worth settling for? And what's not?
Apparently, nothing is worth settling for—because the word 'settling' itself implies that you're giving up something that you need. Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Albright University, says research shows that it's important for me to idealize my partner (and vice-versa!) and to see him in a super positive way. If I feel like I gave in and dated a not-so-special someone, then she says I'd never have a chance to be happy. But then she said the real kicker: "You should try giving guys a chance—even those who may not have all of the qualities you're looking for, and see if they might just win you over."
When she said this, I automatically thought of my worst nightmare: a rude 5'5" guy who's unemployed and has a receding hairline—and who's unfaithful and is living with his mother in Queens. And can't get it up. Shudder. But that's not what Seidman means—trust me, I asked.
She says I should consider what's non-negotiable for me—and what I could probably budge a bit on.
If I'm being honest, I could probably live with a guy who's just romantic and dedicated (not necessarily tall and an Orlando Bloom lookalike) as long as I could wear some sort of heel (kitten heels count, right?). And I could probably be okay if he was just dedicated and tall but remembered to tell me I'm awesome all the time. So my biggest must-haves are actually dedication, commitment, and consistency. (That's probably because every man I've dated has been the opposite of that and it's now something I won't compromise on.)
My friend wasn't trying to be mean—well, maybe a little—but what she meant is that not everyone is perfect. And that sometimes the person you end up with isn't the vision you imagine in your head when you're a precocious five-year-old in Disney princess dress-up clothes. The reality of dating, especially the more you do it, is that it's an elimination process to figure out what you want and what you don't.
Would I date a dude who adored me, had a great job, bought me flowers once a year on my birthday, and made me feel happy—even if he was under six feet tall? Yep. But then again, I wouldn't feel like I had "settled" for him—I'd feel like I was pretty damn lucky to finally find someone so amazing.
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