There's a new kind of happily-ever-after resonating in America—and ironically, it involves divorce. More spouses are opting for "conscious uncoupling," the therapy method made known by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, in order to divide respectfully.
That said, as the experts explain here, surviving the D word (or the breakup of a long-term, serious relationship)—and remaining friendly with your ex—isn't easy. But the end result can be surprisingly rewarding.
Choose to be Civil
When Katherine Woodward Thomas, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, realized that her marriage of 10 years was over, she knew she didn't want to go through the same caustic divorces that she had witnessed in her practice and when growing up. So she sat down with her soon-to-be ex to talk about how they would break up, in what was a polite—and at that time, uncommon—conversation. "We said, 'This is how it's going to go. We're going to be fair and respect each other,'" recalls Thomas.
Certainly, not every marriage or long-term union fizzles quite so neatly. If you've experienced cheating, lying, neglect, or betrayal in your relationship, you'd probably rather throw dishes at each other's heads than sit down for a fireside chat. But if you have kids, share a business, live in the same small town, run in the same social circles, or simply want to have an emotionally healthy split, it's worth considering a more level-headed approach.
If not for your own peace of mind, do it for the money. "Your conflict equals an attorney's billable hours. We make money when you argue," points out Laura A. Wasser, a family law attorney in Los Angeles and author of It Doesn't Have to Be That Way: How to Divorce Without Destroying Your Family or Bankrupting Yourself. And yet, Wasser still advises her clients—the latest is Melanie Griffith, who recently separated from Antonio Banderas, and the couple is going through an amicable divorce process—to take the civil route. "People come into my office and say, 'I don't care what we leave in our wake, I want to nail his balls to the wall!' I tell them that animosity is a waste of their time and money, and it's not going to make their spouse inclined to give them more."
Before You Say "I Don't"
You may be thinking, Well, half of all marriages end in divorce anyway, so what's the point in trying to make it work? But don't let that stat persuade you, because...it's wrong! According to the most recent Census Bureau surveys, the more accurate divorce rate in the U.S. for first marriages is less than 29 percent, says Shaunti Feldhahn, author of The Good News About Marriage. Meaning, 71 percent of women who have been married only once remain hitched to their spouse. So do yourself a favor: Dismiss that bad math and think more optimistically. Most unions are not doomed. Other couples have survived rough patches, and you can too.
How To Split Smoothly
If you're looking to keep things friendly, the months between when you file your divorce papers and when your split becomes official are crucial, says Thomas, who coined the term "conscious uncoupling" after her own divorce went so well. "Give each other space and time to get a handle on hot emotions," Thomas explains. "Then communicate in a more formal and respectful manner to avoid damaging children and each other." She takes clients through an emotionally honest form of therapy in which both parties rejoin to learn how to control their feelings, own what part they played in their love's demise, and finally, forgive each other and start their new, non-romantic future. (You can do this even if you weren't married.) "Before, you had 'We want a thriving partnership, so we need to resolve these issues,'" says Thomas. "Now, it's 'We have different goals and can't undo the choices we made, but let's be respectful in the present.'"
Once the raging emotions have quieted, the legal logistics can be relatively easy. "If you know what you want, can agree on who gets what, and don't anticipate litigation over your kids or have a history of domestic violence, then you may want to consider hiring just one lawyer who's objective, knows the law, and can help you agree on how to divide things up," advises Wasser. She also likes apps such as iSplit Divorce, an asset-dividing assistant, and 2Houses, a shared child-custody calendar, which help divvy up expenses and parenting responsibilities.
Rings Off, Smiles On
One of the last tasks in an amicable dissolution? Updating all of your friends and family. "You don't want to leave everybody to find their own way to struggle through the awkwardness," says Thomas. So once the decision to divorce or end your long-term relationship has been made, reach out to loved ones and explain your new, agreeable arrangement. "Give them permission to include and be loyal to both of you," says Thomas.
If it goes well, you may all be toasting at the same table by this time next year. As Wasser admits, "I still go to my parents' house for holidays with my mom, her current husband, my dad, my dad's current wife and stepkids, and the grandchildren. It takes a while to get to that point, sure, but we're still a family. If you want that, it helps to figure out a way to get along."
From Spouse to BFF?
These famous former couples divided with reportedly little drama.
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom
Post-divorce, Bloom told Katie Couric in an interview, "We love each other. We're a family. We're going to be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives." He even took a swing at Justin Bieber, supposedly to defend her honor!
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds
Months after announcing that the spark between them had fizzled, the twosome allegedly went out to dinner together in Los Angeles. Dating practice, perhaps?
Fran Drescher and Peter Marc Jacobson
After a 21-year marriage and an announcement that Jacobson is gay, the former husband and wife went on to produce Happily Divorced, a sitcom based on their close (and unique) relationship.
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis
The famous spouses-turned-buddies continue to coparent their three daughters and appear to have made efforts to live closer together for their happily complicated family.
Lara Embry, M.D., and Jane Lynch
After ending her three-year marriage, Lynch told Larry King about the experience: "It's not dramatic. It's not a horrible thing...we have to remain adults, which we have. We keep everybody's good in mind."
More from Women's Health:
The Best Way to Break Up with Someone
Is It Really Possible to Stay Friends With an Ex?
6 Rules for Getting Over a Breakup the Healthy Way
Powered by WPeMatico
No comments:
Post a Comment