In the past two years, my husband Chris has lost two people that he was close with. One was more recent and unexpected, and it took us both by surprise.
Each time we got the bad news, I kicked into "fix it" mode. I stocked the freezer with his favorite ice cream, surprised him with takeout after a rough day, listened when he wanted to talk, and just tried to be really, really nice—that's what I always do when he needs a pick-me-up.
But despite my best efforts, I can't hide what I really know is true: I can't fix the situation, and it kills me.
Looking for advice, I reached out to a friend whose husband’s mother died last month. "We've been married for years, and I have no idea what to do or say right now," she said. "It just plain sucks."
I'll second that. Despite going through this twice now with Chris, I'm still completely clueless on how I can help make things better. Realizing this is one for the pros, I turned to licensed clinical psychologist Rachel Lowinger, Ph.D.
She says the hardest part about helping a partner through the death of a loved one is the feeling of helplessness—that usually makes us feel guilty and inadequate because we can't make things better. But, she adds, those feelings may actually make us more defensive and less supportive than usual when we really need to be stepping up our game.
Err...I might have messed up there. Like most men, Chris isn't the type to sit down and have a good cry when he's upset. Instead, his emotions are more likely to manifest themselves in getting irked that I didn't take out the garbage (Again. Fair enough.) or being a little more cranky than usual. Sure, I let it slide when Chris got moody at first, but I probably didn't have as much patience with him as I should have.
Lowinger also says that death can be tough for couples to grapple with because they might deal with it differently. One may feel that it's best to reminisce about the person that they lost and keep their memory alive; the other may feel that it's more helpful to just move on. Neither method is "right," but they're at odds with each other and can definitely cause issues when one person is trying to help.
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That's pretty much exactly the case with us. Chris is in the "reminisce" camp, and I'm on team "move on." But if I'm being totally honest, my stance is because I'm not that great with emotions that are out of the everyday range. Anything less than neutral is potentially awkward territory for me. I cry during documentaries and quickly change the station when I hear a depressing song. (Nineties music is the worst—don't get me started on Soul Asylum's Runaway Train.) I can’t even watch Finding Nemo because I think it's incredibly sad that the overprotective dad—whose wife died, BTW—was separated from his son who he might never see again. (Seriously, why is that plotline okay for a kids' movie?!)
When someone dies, it touches a depth of emotion that I’m not 100 percent comfortable dealing with. And, as a result, I'm completely unsure of how to cope, not to mention how to offer the right kind of support.
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At least there's this: Lowinger said that, despite my best efforts, there's nothing I can do or say to fix things. I can probably make things worse (ugh) but I can't make it better. She says my job is to be there for Chris—to not push him to do anything, but to be patient, supportive, and there when he wants to talk.
Okay, maybe I haven't been as patient as I could have been or open to all of the unpleasant emotions that come along with death, but I can change that. I've stopped getting annoyed when Chris seems irritable or forgetful, and have really started listening when he wants to reminisce. I also let him buy the big-screen TV he's wanted for eons. I'm pretty sure that's not on the "how to help your spouse" list, but it definitely made him happy. He deserves a break, and it's up to me to give him one.
Plus, I'm still keeping the freezer stocked with Chubby Hubby. He can nosh on his favorite ice cream while enjoying his new big-screen, high-def whatever. It won't make things better, but it's all I can do to help—and that's okay.
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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little one-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.
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