I'd never given a second thought to the styling of my pubic hair until I asked a guy I was dating in college to go down on me, and he said, "Maybe, if you shave everything off."
He used his mouth anyway, but I couldn't relax, too freaked out that he was faking his enjoyment.
I've been out of that relationship for a few years, but my pubic hair paranoia hasn't settled. I find myself obsessing over how I should groom, or how guys might want me to groom. I'm left constantly asking myself that Karate Kid question: wax on—or wax off?
Living in a city, surrounded by perpetually waxed, juicing, Soul-Cycle-toned women who seem to have it all, is probably of no help. Neither is the media. I flip through Fifty Shades of Grey and get confused as to why Christian Grey is authoritatively paying for Ana's Brazilians. I watch Game of Thrones and wonder how the hell these female characters find time to wax their pubes into toothpick-sized strips when winter is coming.
The state of my own secret garden is in endless fluctuation, like some sort of fixer-upper house. I've tried all forms of jungle taming. I've gone au natural; shaved; trimmed with tiny, elven scissors; burned it off with hair removal cream; gotten bikini waxes; bought pricey Brazilian packages, followed by expensive exfoliators to stimulate hair growth, followed by slick serums to cool the resulting irritation.
MORE: The Best Ways to Keep Your Pubic Hair in Check
It's a big hassle. And those scissors? They stab. Removal cream? Leave it on a minute too long, and it burns like a freaking forest fire. Brazilians? You lie bottomless on a cold, metal table under a fluorescent light while a stranger tries to distract you with stories of her hometown and Carly Rae Jepsen concerts, all so she can forcefully rip hair out of your vagina like rotting teeth.
And you know, for all that, I still haven't landed on a good pubic hair pattern. Because the women's-studies-class voice in my head can't figure out: Why the hell do I endure this pain and spend this much time and money on a part of my body that almost NO ONE sees? I rarely get facials, but I’ll consider spending $50 per month on Bearded Lady down there? For that price, you could buy yourself one fancy-ass dinner, or a sexy dress, or an awesome hair cut for your head.
So, why do we do this? For beauty? To me, a completely bare vagina kind of looks like a naked mole rat. For men? Screw that. They should be so lucky to see our womanly curves, let alone part the damn drapes. Why do they get all the preferences?
Still, some of my girlfriends who wax or shave regularly argue that they're not doing this for guys or for fashion, but for themselves. They say they enjoy the fresh feeling they get after a Brazilian and the tidy look of it. I get it, I understand the appeal of a clean line and not having to worry about "OMG, are my pubes peeking out of my bikini?"
MORE: 7 Things You Need to Know Before You Wax
For that reason, I don't want to out-and-out declare that all women should renounce waxing and go back to the natural look if they don't want to. I also don't think that your partner shouldn’t be permitted to have any opinion about your grooming choices. After all, you'd have no problem asking a guy you're dating to shave that Ron-Swanson-stache off his face because the stubble irritates your skin when you kiss. That's your preference. And since he's the one coming in direct contact with your Swanson, he's probably allowed a preference, too.
At the end of the day, it should really be up to you. Do what you want with your pubes! They're yours, you lucky doll. And if you're down with it, have a conversation with your partner about how it feels for him or her, too.
As for me, I think I'll stick to trimming the tinsel. For now.
MORE: This Just In: Pubic Hair Might Be Back
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