Most women have experience helping a friend through a bad breakup, but what about a divorce? Splitting up any relationship is painful, but divorces often include the added nightmare of dividing up the assets and the complicated untangling of your personal lives, not to mention custody conversations if children are involved. So what can you do to ease a friend’s transition from married to single? We asked licensed psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., author of The Friendship Fix, for a five tips on what to say, what to do, and how to be there.
Listen More Than You Talk
"A lot of the time people are so concerned with saying the right thing that they forget to listen," says Bonior. It's crucial to make sure your friend knows you're there for her to open up whenever she's ready, but they might still be sorting out their own thoughts and feelings. So avoid jumping in with phrases like, "you'll bounce back from this soon," "I know how you feel" or "let's get you back out there!" You may think you’re helping, but you could inadvertently say something to trigger even more negative emotions.
Ask What You Can Do
Once it seems like your friend has started processing the breakup and can use a hand—whether it's meeting with divorce lawyers, going over paperwork, or just watching her kids for a while—ask specifically how you can help. "Don't be vague and say 'let me know what I can do,' because that puts the burden on her to ask for your help, which can be awkward," says Bonior. Instead, suggest ways to assist, like going grocery shopping for her, taking the kids to the park for the afternoon, or taking her to brunch.
Don't Riff On Relationships
You just want to make her feel better, so you blab that marriage is the worst/all men are pigs/love is a myth/whatever hateful declaration that you think she wants to hear. But it's a bad idea to spew this negative energy and downplay relationships—especially your own, says Bonior. "You don't have to create a notion that all marriages are bad." Not only can your friend see through your attempt to make her feel better, but she might also feel worse if she thinks you're going through a hard time, too.
MORE: 6 Rules For Getting Over A Breakup The Healthy Way
Be Honest About Any Ties to Her Ex
If you or your significant other was close to both partners in a divorce, it can seem like you have to pick sides—and in some cases you actually might. Obviously, this shouldn't be something you bring up right away, but it’s not something you want to ignore forever either. If your partner is still friends (or friendly) with her former spouse, be open and honest about it, says Bonior. It'll only make things worse in the long run if you try to hide it. That said, if your friend flat-out asks you to choose sides in the divorce, you may have to think about whether or not you can realistically stay friends with both people.
MORE: Katy Perry's Amazing Post-Divorce Relationship Advice
Be Mindful of Their Mental Health
Finally, if you notice behavioral changes, a shift in appearance, or an increase in feelings of apathy in your friend, she might be suffering from depression, which can often be brought on by major life-altering events like a divorce. Bonior explains that it's OK to suggest she talk to someone about her issues, and there are ways to bring it up that are non-intrusive. For instance, you can mention that your "friend" found that speaking with someone during her divorce was incredibly helpful. There's only so much you can do if she needs a licensed professional, so it's definitely in her best interest to say something.
MORE: 11 Tips for Dating After Divorce
Powered by WPeMatico
No comments:
Post a Comment