If you don’t fight, you can’t have great makeup sex. But the older you get, the more you try to avoid arguments with your spouse, according to new research from San Francisco State University.
In the study, researchers kept tabs on middle-aged and older couples for a duration of 13 years, and on three occasions videotaped the pairs discussing areas of conflict, ranging from finances to housework. As the years went on, both men and women were more likely to change the subject or divert attention from any disagreements.
People tend to avoid the drama of their younger days and seek out less contentious interactions as they age, says lead researcher Sarah Holley, Ph.D. The problem: The change-the-subject strategy doesn’t usually work out as planned.
“Often people in relationships feel they must sacrifice their feelings to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘not rock the boat,’” says marriage and family therapist Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D. “While comfortable in the short run, it leads to resentment and anger in the long run.” In fact, research from Florida State University shows that couples who fight about hurt feelings right from the get-go are happier than those who simply forgive and forget.
If you typically tend to avoid conflict, “expressing your feelings won’t kill you—or your relationship,” says Hokeymeyer. The key, he says, is to keep your fights under control. Feuding over finances? Schedule budget talks. Sit down to go over spending and debt levels. Negotiating lets her discuss the issue—but as you sympathize, make your case. Use “and” statements rather than “but” ones. (“I understand you’re nervous, and I also want to buy this new plasma TV. How do we figure this out together?”)
Here are 5 more ways to fight with a woman.
Additional reporting by Kristina Grish
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