Rose-colored glasses aren’t great wedding gifts. Feeling overly optimistic about your marriage could make you unhappy down the road, finds a new study from UCLA.
Researchers asked just-married couples in their mid-20s how they saw their marriage unfolding over the next 4 years, then checked in with the newlyweds every 6 months in that time period. Almost everyone predicted their relationships would stay stable, but at the end of the study, marital satisfaction declined on average despite all the optimism. Most interesting: Wives with the cheeriest initial outlooks ended up showing the sharpest drops.
What gives? Once spouses get settled into their roles, some of the excitement of being married wears off, says study author Justin Lavner.
San-Francisco based marriage therapist Lisa Brookes Kift says that’s the “honeymoon phase”—the giddy stage in a relationship where your girlfriend or wife can do no wrong—ending. “The problem is that couples can feel immune to potential problems coming up between them, which can lead to unrealistic expectations for a marriage,” Brookes Kift says.
The trick is to set realistic expectations right off the bat. “That means being clear that things happen and relationships aren’t always easy,” she says. Check in frequently with her about hurt feelings or shifts in thinking so that neither of you builds up any resentment.
And don’t be afraid to try couples therapy, even if your marriage is perfectly fine. Brookes Kift says nowadays, more and more newlyweds are scheduling regular appointments with counselors. The goal is to treat each session like a relationship “tune-up,” using it to sort out minor issues before they become bigger problems. Find a licensed therapist in your area here.
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